It’s not a normal blog post that I usually publish around. It’s something that just occurred to me recently.
At this time, I am travelling and though I have been staying with my brother and uncle, I am alone in this trip, with consent. And the thing is that it’s my first and may be last trip of life to be done. You must be thinking right now that by meaning of last trip, I might have some terminal illness or I might have been dying or I am suicidal or nothing but less I might be crazy. And let me assure you, there is not a single thing that I just mentioned is happening. I don’t have any illness by the grace of Almighty (and yes I am a practicing Muslim), and I will die as everyone dies but I think my time has yet to come or I could be depressed but not suicidal and lastly, I think I am crazy to some extent but every single person on this planet is somewhat crazy, so nothing suspicious.
So, why is this my first trip ever out of my own country? Because I had the chance to grab an opportunity to explore something out of my comfort zone therefore I took it without thinking too hard on it (and that’s what I usually do, overthink things). And why is this trip might be the last? Well, it’s really hard to answer this question because it is my gut feeling speaking. You know the feel or thought that basically arises from the pit of the stomach, screaming and screeching the walls of your brain to take or not to take action against it. This drives you all sort of crazy, I tell you.
However, I have been a very good girl, a good daughter, a good sister, a God-knows-not-great but fiancée and a good in everything. I studied hard, excelled in every exam, a medico, been an exemplary to others for my whole life. As my baby cousin sisters and brothers have always thought me of as there ideal (not bragging here) and some of them actually fought to try to convince me to fall in love or marry them (again not bragging here). But during all this, I have never been happy or content. I have faced certain traumas that have scarred me for my whole life. I have faced failures, back-biting, hate, bullies and what not. Things that I can’t even dare to mention here. People around me thinks that I am one of the happiest, luckiest and nicest person on the earth (no idea why!). But right now I am not writing about all this.
Being here in a different world where dreams are made, where world is brighter than the rest, where stars shine brighter, has made some changes within me. I was one of the shy, scared and helpless introvert type of person but in these two months I am a changed person today. Alright, I am still shy and introvert-y but I have become bolder and more confident person than I ever was.
Recently, I had an interview (miracle) and it was the first time in life that I had to travel alone from one part of the city to other and believe me or not, this scared the hell out of me. Though being a chicken, I asked my uncle to drop me off to the place, which by being a gentleman as ever, he did drop me off to the place and I passed the first stage of that interview and was called the next day for other part of selection criteria. And then came the next day, I got up late firstly and then got ready as fast as possible and asked my uncle again. To my surprise, he was busy and he told me the route of the metro and bus. It totally meant that I would have to travel alone. Because I was already late, I didn’t give much of a thought to it (but was scared… no terrified) and literally ran out of the door and got on the bus. I, normally take serious notice of eyes looking towards me and usually travel like a shadow (I still don’t know why I do that). Well, to cut it short, I got lost twice on the way there within the station. This wasted almost ten minutes of my time (and I was counting every second of it). However, getting out of the station, there is about 10 minute of walk to their office and I only had five minutes left. Hence, without thinking of anything, I ran… I ran like my bottom was on serious fir, in the scorching heat of sun and through the crowd I was running wild, feeling sweat tickling down my back (perks of being a couch potato). There was adrenaline and blood rushing through my veins. I had a silly smile on my face and there were numerous eyes on me, some smiled and some looked curiously at me (though I had not done anything suspicious, but people love to judge and it’s not their fault to say the least) but I ran and I ran till I reached at the step of elevator. I took a long deep breath as my lungs and legs were burning from the workout I just did after 15 to 16 years (yes…… I know, don’t say). I looked in the mirror of the elevator, caught my breath and stepped forward to the reception area. I reached magically on time, got to business to finish it with my most.
But this blog is not on the stunt I pulled in the middle of the day, on a busy street, in the scorching heat. On the way back, my mind wandered to different faces from different background, different features, different jobs, culture, religion what so ever having and struggling through their own battles of life. I was in awe with the strength and confidence of all the men and women there.
But on some point of my way, in the station, I suddenly put an abrupt halt to my steps (almost making one stranger fall all over me). But I just stopped walking. Why? There was a mirror in front of me and I looked on to something that tore me completely apart. What was left of me just came shattered in just one second.
In the mirror, I saw a girl, modestly dressed, with some makeup on, she was beautiful but her eyes and her lips… They say, “Eyes are the mirror of soul and they tell you their deepest, darkest secret” and I witnessed it right there what it meant. The eyes of the girl in the mirror didn’t shine as brightly as they were used to. They were translucent with dark circles and bagginess from all sleepless nights she must have had that even makeup also failed to hide. Her lips were in a frown like it was been there for years. And then it hit me like a solid rock and hard.
It was only those two minutes of my life in which I ran for something, not hiding, ran with confidence and with full of zeal, those single 120 seconds in my whole 26 years of life… I have actually lived… Those whole 2 minutes were the total complete time in which I felt what joy, ecstasy, adrenaline rush about which books, people, movies and articles talk about, actually feels. What a feeling feel like.
In my whole life, in all these years, I was living a life that a zombie or a person lying in a coffin waiting to be done with visitations and to be buried six feet deep in to the earth could experience. I craved for those ‘two minutes’ in which I was me for my whole life. I actually dreamt of it. In those two minutes, I was the person I always wanted to be. Running for her dream to come true, running toward life, feeling life, feeling sharp air rushing through my hairs, not caring, not feeling eyes, not being a shadow, but be a person with some purpose.
I still crave for the life where I can live a life where you are actually ‘alive’. Not just living it or breathing it. When I came back home, I stared at my reflection, for hours and didn’t find a single flaw in me. God has gifted me perfect nose, perfect lips, hands, body shape, everything in me is perfect. But my eyes. The eyes of the girl that stares me back has no hope in it, no light left in it. I also tried to look deeply into the eyes of the strangers, some were shining bright like they were emitting some kind of light from their eyes but some were same as mine. There smiles were fake, there laughs were superficial just like mine. And this hit me on my soul so hard that my heart and soul broke at that very moment.
What have I done to myself? This was the only question I am asking from myself from that moment. I want to live my life like those ‘two minutes’ I experienced. But whole my life, I cared too much, I gave too much, took too little, I felt too much, I sacrificed and compromised way too much. And bit by bit, I just ripped my heart into small pieces with my own bare hands and now… I don’t have anything left for me. I don’t have the courage to make it through another day, I can’t handle failure any more, I can’t bear more heartbreak. It seems that my cup is now full and the dam will flow any minute now. I have lost so much that the girl who used to see magic in every little thing, now stares in the abyss for hours finding herself… I have lost ‘me’ in all this…
I realized that we should care, feel and sacrifice up to some extent but at some point we should learn and also teach our children to where to put a full stop to all this before it’s too late. We should learn to put ourselves first or when the plane is crashing to put oxygen mask on yourself first, then help others. In these two months, away from my family, friends and everyone I cared deeply about, I learnt to put my needs first. I am still learning this to do so. I am trying to save my self though by doing this I know I am losing some of most precious possessions I could ever get. But at this moment or in this chapter, it’s about me saving myself. We don’t need a prince charming or a savior to save us from prisons or dragons. Those fairy tales suit best in books but in real life it’s you. You, yourself is the only person or only thing that could help you or pull you through some massive burden or from some wet sand. We need to make efforts for our self-first. And believe me or not, this is the only thing I have done for myself to save me, in whole my life and put my career, myself, my personality, in short ‘me’ first, above all… and in this I also know that I am badly losing from other side. But to live, I know that I have to do it. It might be too late for me… Don’t do the same mistake I did.
Take action before it’s too late and save some of yourself for you. Each and every single soul in this planet is precious in its own way…
