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When reality hit you hard…

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It’s not a normal blog post that I usually publish around. It’s something that just occurred to me recently.

At this time, I am travelling and though I have been staying with my brother and uncle, I am alone in this trip, with consent. And the thing is that it’s my first and may be last trip of life to be done. You must be thinking right now that by meaning of last trip, I might have some terminal illness or I might have been dying or I am suicidal or nothing but less I might be crazy. And let me assure you, there is not a single thing that I just mentioned is happening. I don’t have any illness by the grace of Almighty (and yes I am a practicing Muslim), and I will die as everyone dies but I think my time has yet to come or I could be depressed but not suicidal and lastly, I think I am crazy to some extent but every single person on this planet is somewhat crazy, so nothing suspicious.

So, why is this my first trip ever out of my own country? Because I had the chance to grab an opportunity to explore something out of my comfort zone therefore I took it without thinking too hard on it (and that’s what I usually do, overthink things). And why is this trip might be the last? Well, it’s really hard to answer this question because it is my gut feeling speaking. You know the feel or thought that basically arises from the pit of the stomach, screaming and screeching the walls of your brain to take or not to take action against it.  This drives you all sort of crazy, I tell you.

However, I have been a very good girl, a good daughter, a good sister, a God-knows-not-great but fiancée and a good in everything. I studied hard, excelled in every exam, a medico, been an exemplary to others for my whole life. As my baby cousin sisters and brothers have always thought me of as there ideal (not bragging here) and some of them actually fought to try to convince me to fall in love or marry them (again not bragging here). But during all this, I have never been happy or content. I have faced certain traumas that have scarred me for my whole life. I have faced failures, back-biting, hate, bullies and what not. Things that I can’t even dare to mention here. People around me thinks that I am one of the happiest, luckiest and nicest person on the earth (no idea why!). But right now I am not writing about all this.

Being here in a different world where dreams are made, where world is brighter than the rest, where stars shine brighter, has made some changes within me. I was one of the shy, scared and helpless introvert type of person but in these two months I am a changed person today. Alright, I am still shy and introvert-y but I have become bolder and more confident person than I ever was.

Recently, I had an interview (miracle) and it was the first time in life that I had to travel alone from one part of the city to other and believe me or not, this scared the hell out of me. Though being a chicken, I asked my uncle to drop me off to the place, which by being a gentleman as ever, he did drop me off to the place and I passed the first stage of that interview and was called the next day for other part of selection criteria. And then came the next day, I got up late firstly and then got ready as fast as possible and asked my uncle again. To my surprise, he was busy and he told me the route of the metro and bus. It totally meant that I would have to travel alone. Because I was already late, I didn’t give much of a thought to it (but was scared… no terrified) and literally ran out of the door and got on the bus. I, normally take serious notice of eyes looking towards me and usually travel like a shadow (I still don’t know why I do that). Well, to cut it short, I got lost twice on the way there within the station. This wasted almost ten minutes of my time (and I was counting every second of it). However, getting out of the station, there is about 10 minute of walk to their office and I only had five minutes left. Hence, without thinking of anything, I ran… I ran like my bottom was on serious fir, in the scorching heat of sun and through the crowd I was running wild, feeling sweat tickling down my back (perks of being a couch potato). There was adrenaline and blood rushing through my veins. I had a silly smile on my face and there were numerous eyes on me, some smiled and some looked curiously at me (though I had not done anything suspicious, but people love to judge and it’s not their fault to say the least) but I ran and I ran till I reached at the step of elevator. I took a long deep breath as my lungs and legs were burning from the workout I just did after 15 to 16 years (yes…… I know, don’t say). I looked in the mirror of the elevator, caught my breath and stepped forward to the reception area. I reached magically on time, got to business to finish it with my most.

But this blog is not on the stunt I pulled in the middle of the day, on a busy street, in the scorching heat. On the way back, my mind wandered to different faces from different background, different features, different jobs, culture, religion what so ever having and struggling through their own battles of life. I was in awe with the strength and confidence of all the men and women there.

But on some point of my way, in the station, I suddenly put an abrupt halt to my steps (almost making one stranger fall all over me). But I just stopped walking. Why? There was a mirror in front of me and I looked on to something that tore me completely apart. What was left of me just came shattered in just one second.

In the mirror, I saw a girl, modestly dressed, with some makeup on, she was beautiful but her eyes and her lips… They say, “Eyes are the mirror of soul and they tell you their deepest, darkest secret” and I witnessed it right there what it meant. The eyes of the girl in the mirror didn’t shine as brightly as they were used to. They were translucent with dark circles and bagginess from all sleepless nights she must have had that even makeup also failed to hide. Her lips were in a frown like it was been there for years. And then it hit me like a solid rock and hard.

It was only those two minutes of my life in which I ran for something, not hiding, ran with confidence and with full of zeal, those single 120 seconds in my whole 26 years of life… I have actually lived… Those whole 2 minutes were the total complete time in which I felt what joy, ecstasy, adrenaline rush about which books, people, movies and articles talk about, actually feels. What a feeling feel like.

In my whole life, in all these years, I was living a life that a zombie or a person lying in a coffin waiting to be done with visitations and to be buried six feet deep in to the earth could experience. I craved for those ‘two minutes’ in which I was me for my whole life. I actually dreamt of it. In those two minutes, I was the person I always wanted to be. Running for her dream to come true, running toward life, feeling life, feeling sharp air rushing through my hairs, not caring, not feeling eyes, not being a shadow, but be a person with some purpose.

I still crave for the life where I can live a life where you are actually ‘alive’. Not just living it or breathing it. When I came back home, I stared at my reflection, for hours and didn’t find a single flaw in me. God has gifted me perfect nose, perfect lips, hands, body shape, everything in me is perfect. But my eyes. The eyes of the girl that stares me back has no hope in it, no light left in it. I also tried to look deeply into the eyes of the strangers, some were shining bright like they were emitting some kind of light from their eyes but some were same as mine. There smiles were fake, there laughs were superficial just like mine. And this hit me on my soul so hard that my heart and soul broke at that very moment.

What have I done to myself? This was the only question I am asking from myself from that moment. I want to live my life like those ‘two minutes’ I experienced. But whole my life, I cared too much, I gave too much, took too little, I felt too much, I sacrificed and compromised way too much. And bit by bit, I just ripped my heart into small pieces with my own bare hands and now… I don’t have anything left for me. I don’t have the courage to make it through another day, I can’t handle failure any more, I can’t bear more heartbreak. It seems that my cup is now full and the dam will flow any minute now. I have lost so much that the girl who used to see magic in every little thing, now stares in the abyss for hours finding herself… I have lost ‘me’ in all this…

I realized that we should care, feel and sacrifice up to some extent but at some point we should learn and also teach our children to where to put a full stop to all this before it’s too late. We should learn to put ourselves first or when the plane is crashing to put oxygen mask on yourself first, then help others. In these two months, away from my family, friends and everyone I cared deeply about, I learnt to put my needs first. I am still learning this to do so. I am trying to save my self though by doing this I know I am losing some of most precious possessions I could ever get. But at this moment or in this chapter, it’s about me saving myself. We don’t need a prince charming or a savior to save us from prisons or dragons. Those fairy tales suit best in books but in real life it’s you. You, yourself is the only person or only thing that could help you or pull you through some massive burden or from some wet sand. We need to make efforts for our self-first. And believe me or not, this is the only thing I have done for myself to save me, in whole my life and put my career, myself, my personality, in short ‘me’ first, above all… and in this I also know that I am badly losing from other side. But to live, I know that I have to do it. It might be too late for me… Don’t do the same mistake I did.

Take action before it’s too late and save some of yourself for you. Each and every single soul in this planet is precious in its own way…

 

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Believe..

You know things can’t be undone
You know there’s no turning back
But I know that I don’t want to be back
It’s all black with no hope
I want it all just right now
All my miracles in my life to know
I am blessed yet bleak
I have everything on its peak
Love, laugh, carers which we all need
A little less or a little more we demand
From the destiny or your life
Of what we believe
I don’t need no less or not more
Because sometimes it’s the feel I have
I have more than I need
All the love, laugh and carers we require
I have been sick but now I am back
With all the mighty and a brand new me
Shining in the darkness
With silence at the edge
Coz I love silence and peace
It gives you a chance to meet you
And that’s what I believe
Or that’s what I want to believe..

Don’t be mad…

You seem to care a lot
You seem to trust a lot
You seem to love a lot
You also seem loyal a lot

But is it inaccurate to not feel sometimes?
Is it inadequate to feel suffocated at times?
Is it inappropriate to shut down doors for awhile?
Or is it not in my hands for me to love you alike?

I know I sometimes don’t do justice
But do tell me if it’s suffice
I suffer from deep cut scars
It’s not easy to make me a star

I don’t follow the rules and regulations
I think about everything with prospection
I feel every single rhythm of my depression
And I am quite familiar with this repression

Oh darling! You don’t need to be this mad
It’s everything I’ve ever had
You entire presence makes me want to jump to cloud nine
At least I believe you don’t judge me for being a little sad..

Still

Some things have changed
I don’t know if I changed
But I have changed I know that
And you are the reason I changed
And I am afraid of future
And my past is not livable
I want to live where I am right now
In the safe hands that have vowed
To nourish me and protect me till the end
But I want to be still
Like a rock or a tree
Or can be a mountain
I don’t want to feel
Nor the pain not the happiness
I have been feeling numb
Yet I have tried my best to reach
Not one understood
Even not those who vowed
But I want the numbness and stillness
Still I want the respect of it
I don’t want to feel but still
I want someone to feel for me..

Silence

There is a silence outside
Birds are not chirping anymore
Water does not flow fluently now
Things have changed somehow
The sun shine lightly now
Even if it’s hot like a desert here
The moon is not as bright
As it was used to be
Oh.. look there are no stars there also
Have the clouds hidden them from us
I guess there’s a silence inside
Something is dying in my soul
Is it a part or the whole soul
Look deep into my eyes
My eyes don’t shine bright anymore
My smile doesn’t stay much longer
I don’t have tears in my eyes
Coz I haven’t lost anything beyond
I have my blessings with me
I have all the live I could have with me
But still with all this
There’s suffocation inside
And still there’s silence inside..

Moving on..

This battle between my mind and heart

This time I let my mind win again 

There’s nothing left in this picture 

You said you are different 

You made the illusion of perfect ending

I thought you were my happily ever after 

I felt the need to be some one I am not

You altered my very core 

You in your essence made me loose my own

You even made my tears to dry up in my eyes 

I always loved the idea of being us

People judged me for my lack of attention 

I lost my dreams just to catch you 

I lost my self just to match you

I trusted you blindly even shared my darkest secrets 

I not only gave a piece but my whole heart 

In every turn in every fight I was the guilty one

I guess I was nothing but naïve

And now when I have opened my eyes

I am lost in this midst

I now see that I am in a different cage

Where I have to beg hard to breathe 

I thought you were my one and only

But now I realized that you loved my idea

And when ever I raised my voice

You simple just torn me in half

And now it’s a no more trying 

I am done with your tantrums 

I am not happy but I will be at peace at least 

I will find my way 

I will be strong enough to move

And now my darling, I am moving on.. 

Purer

I had a beating heart in my chest 

That longed to see love at fullest
I had a shining soul in me 

That had bigger waves than the sea
I had more bigger dreams in my eyes

To want to conquer the skies
I was as naïve as the little bird

Didn’t know what was wrong with being in dirt 
But then you came to happen 

And all my wishes seemed to be relished 
With you I was high above from the skies

The feels and the tease you bring with smiles 
I was in love with each piece of you

You showed me what I was missing before 
You tend to complete me with a sense

You made my fantasies a reality
All of the impossibilities seemed possible

With you darling I truly blossomed 
You made me feel like one and only

Your eyes made me feel like a beauty
But little did I know

It was only for the show
With littlest of the things

My realities came crashing down
I fell so hard from the stage 

Yet you didn’t even try to catch
I lost all my hopes and my dreams

Just to be there for your insecurities 
You made me the way I am now

Cold, silent, bitter, with taste sour
I now long to see that shine in my eyes

You stole my innocence I always had in past years
And in all that abscess 

Still I managed to smile in this stress
But standing all bare in front of the mirror

All I see is the broken woman

Just a little more purer than before… 

Sad..

You seem to care a lot 

You seem to trust a lot

You seem to love a lot 

You also seem loyal a lot
But is it inaccurate to not feel sometimes? 

Is it inadequate to feel suffocated at times? 

Is it inappropriate to shut down doors for awhile?

Or is it not in my hands for me to love you alike?
I know I sometimes don’t do justice 

But do tell me if it’s suffice

I suffer from deep cut scars

It’s not easy to make me a star
I don’t follow the rules and regulations 

I think about everything with prospection

I feel every single rhythm of my depression 

And I am quite familiar with this repression  
Oh darling! You don’t need to be this mad

It’s everything I’ve ever had 

You entire presence makes me want to jump to cloud nine 

At least I believe you don’t judge me for being a little sad.. 

You…

Like waves to and fro

Our relation is in its high and low

You seem like you care

Looking at our fingers locked

I seem to be lost 

Like a little puppy in frost 

Yet you seem you know

In all the rules you formed

Now forcing me to follow

Changing me to become hollow

But still I think you care

And I think you know

Of all the ruins of my soul

And I think you have seen 

The battle wounds I carry 

And in spite of all to and fro 

I seem to believe in you 

Because of the spark in you 

And the kindness in you 

I seem to be in love with you

Because it’s simply just you..